‘Our prenup stirred up resentment’: My husband, 62, lives in my home. I pay for his credit card, car loan, vacations and groceries. Now he wants to pool our assets.
Dear Quentin,
My husband and I got married three years ago. I am a 60-year-old widow. “John” is 62, and was married and divorced twice. I have three adult kids who are completely financially independent. He has four adult kids, two from each marriage.
Most Read from MarketWatch
John’s older two children, who are in their late 30s, are very successful. The younger two — his son, 31, and daughter in her mid-20s — have not made great life decisions and are still reliant on their father for financial support, which is ongoing.
His 31-year-old son has four very young children with his “partner.” They both consider themselves single and yet they live together, and she would like a fifth child. His son cannot seem to stick with a job and refuses suggestions for a career in the trades.
I am president of the business my late husband owned. I retired from my nursing career to take on this role when he died. The business is very successful but definitely a niche company. John retired from his management position when we married.
He moved into my large, mortgage-free home. He receives Social Security and has completed five years of spousal support. His second ex-wife got nearly half of his pension and other financial assets. That said, he has $1.2 million invested.
Spending money on his adult children
When we married, we agreed that his expenses (for his credit card, his vehicle and the two small homes he still owns) would be his responsibility. Since I have more in assets, I agreed that I would pay for all of our entertainment, groceries, meals and vacations. I have close to $5 million in investments.
I also offered to help him pay for flight lessons, a bucket-list item. We would meet in the middle for other things.
Well, it is not working out that way.
His younger son and family are living in one of the small homes that John owns. John has not seen any rent from his son in four years. He started paying for utilities and water after they were shut off several times. He stops by with groceries and things for the kids. John also helps his 20-something daughter, who has several vices and subsequently can’t make ends meet.
When John visits his very successful son and daughter across the country several times a year, he pays for all meals out and buys groceries. It sometimes amounts to thousands of dollars. I have seen his credit-card statements each time.
John does not want to take much out of his investments. Basically, his entire Social Security check goes toward supporting his younger two children, and he lives on a couple of thousand dollars a month, with me paying the rest of the bills.
Prenuptial agreements vs. pooling assets
John cannot meet his own expenses given that he helps his kids so much, and more often than not I am paying his credit-card bill, which can be substantial. I am also making his truck payment. We argue about finances all the time.
I get the sense that he feels unhappy about me being less than generous. He thinks we should pool our assets. I have actually told him that I didn’t sign up to financially support his kids when we married. I am also trying to be smart with my investments.
Our prenuptial agreement stirred up resentment when we were completing the process. I have included John in my estate planning. He has not done the same with me, which I am OK with since I have considerable assets.
We are seeing a counselor, with little resolution. I see no end in sight to this situation. Anything I say seems to be the wrong approach; it builds further resentment from him and results in him saying I don’t like his kids and I am selfish.
This is obviously not great for a new marriage. I had no idea when we married how reliant his kids are on him financially. Am I being less than generous? What do you suggest I do?
Discouraged in Iowa
Dear Discouraged,
Sometimes, the clue is in the question — or, in this case, the headline.
You wanted a husband, not a dependent. At this time of your life, as you glide toward retirement with $5 million in investments and look forward to less pressure financially and a stable life emotionally, John has brought disruption rather than peace.
You are essentially a newlywed, and you are in your 60s. The kinds of financial responsibilities John has taken on and — this is key — passed onto you means you may as well be newlyweds in your 20s and 30s: Every bill results in ill will due to his bad financial habits.
You, of course, must take some of the responsibility, given that you have given him so much to begin with — generously, I should add. You are, for better or worse, enabling him to spend his Social Security on his kids while getting you to supplement the rest.
When you marry, you made a commitment to love and honor each other, and you came to an agreement about expenses. And although this may sound harsh, he did lie by omission: He may have revealed his assets, but he did not reveal his hidden financial obligations to his kids.
You worked in nursing, a vastly underpaid profession. And yet you have $5 million in investments, while John has $1.2 million. I don’t know the mixture of inheritance or savvy estate planning involved in either of these scenarios, but you shouldn’t be penalized for having more money.
Penalized for having more money
The other imbalance in this relationship, in addition to all the bills you pay, is that John appears to be living in your house rent-free. In addition to supporting his kids, he is not generating rent from his property that could go toward vacations with his wife. It was wise to insist on a prenup.
Just because you are wealthier than your husband of three years, why should you pay double for vacations and entertainment and groceries, in addition to paying his credit-card bill and auto loan? You did not sign up for the latter two expenses, as you say.
John is shortchanging you while playing “the big man on campus” by paying for everything when he visits his successful son and daughter, and helping to support his two other adult children. He is giving his kids coffee beans — and leaving you with the coffee grounds.
What’s worse is that he is leveraging his relationships with his kids to support the claim that you are selfish — even though you are paying almost all of the bills — and using his resentment as a persuasive or coercive tool. That’s not mature for a 40-something, let alone a 60-something.
Your husband has two ex-wives and two children whom he continues to infantilize, and two other children he wants to impress by spending thousands of dollars of your money, given you are picking up so much of the tab. His two ex-wives may know something you don’t. Either way, the current situation is untenable.
Hoodwinked and guilted into paying bills
So where do you go from here? First, you have essentially been hoodwinked into a financial situation that you did not sign up for. Second, you somehow allowed yourself to be guilted into paying more bills, which allows him to continue supporting his kids.
Third, he has shown no willingness to change, given the lack of progress in your counseling sessions. Rather than acknowledging his mistakes and showing appreciation for the fact that you are writing most of the checks, he is resentful. That’s a bad sign.
You need to switch gears from marriage counseling to financial advice — a third-party voice to bring reason and perspective and, frankly, more equitable behavior to your financial lives. It’s time to have less debate and to lay out your income, contributions and expenses in black and white.
A reasonable solution will involve commitments from both of you. John will have to cut back or end the excessive spending on his family at the expense of your marital funds. You will have to stop paying his credit-card bills and car loan. Do not pool your assets.
Give yourself a strict timeline to see change. If nothing happens, discuss the situation with your attorney, your children and, perhaps, your closest friend. You need a team of people to help you navigate your financial and personal concerns at such a critical time in your life.
You can’t brew a decent cuppa with the grounds from his family’s coffee.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell: