Originally published by Katya Andresen on LinkedIn: What's missing in leadership is what's missing in ourselves
When I was a young manager, one of my favorite team members came to me to resign. She'd had some personal circumstances that necessitated a move and change of jobs. I was devastated at losing her, and I was flustered in the moment. It took me a day or two to say the right things and focus on her best interests rather than my own sense of loss. It's always bothered me how I handed that initial exchange, but it taught me something important: I had some growing up to do myself before I could mature as a leader.
The work of leadership starts with the hard work we must do on ourselves.
The times I've fallen short as a leader aren't for lack of understanding what constitutes good leadership. I've read plenty of books on leadership, and I've attended (and even taught) leadership programs. I'm still growing as a leader because I still have work to do on myself.
Our shortcomings as leaders are usually the unfinished business within our souls, such as the work of healing our old wounds, gaining the confidence to put love over ego, or bringing forth our authentic selves. These are messy, hard and weighty endeavors, and for most of us, they are a work in progress.
Imago is the last stage of an insect's metamorphosis. It's also a psychological term that refers to a mental image of someone from earlier in our lives who influences our behavior today. For example, many of us have challenges in our adult relationships that trace back to our early childhoods. If we lacked affection when we were young, we might now be someone who craves adoration and recognition. If we were constantly criticized, we might be overly sensitive and hear any feedback as an attack. There's a whole psychological field built around this idea -- imago relationship therapy -- that seeks to use this understanding to heal old wounds and strengthen personal relationships.
If we have not done the work of healing, I think we have a tendency to bring our imago to the office with us. We might look to our colleagues to meet the needs that went unfilled. As leaders, we might be unable to be who we should -- people who model shared values, inspire with vision and elevate others -- if our past experiences have cracked too deeply the bedrock of our own character. Instead of leading, we become lost in the effort to mend ourselves.
We all have encountered leaders who seem incapable of empathizing with others, encouraging teams or sharing credit. I think this stems from insecurity - a deskside imago that casts a long shadow over that person. I often quote James Kouzes and Barry Posner on leadership. They say, "Leaders are in love - in love with the people who do the work, with what their organizations practice, and with their customers." If you don't love yourself - or feel loved - then it's hard to be this kind of leader.